Heart Break or What Society Calls It

Hi! I'm Mc Kayla. My momma gave me the name and off I went exploring and trying to find out who I am. I've always struggled with the idea of a need for a purpose or identity but I have a follow the leader mentality so I went off in full force to find my identity and purpose. This became classical violin and viola. Then I met a boy after my mom passed away and I leached onto him in a fierce way. I loved him. Without a doubt. However, he was a drunk, drug abuser, and narcissist. But, I let that all go because of "love". He destroyed any trace of us being together back in January and I was completely crushed. I moved away from Reno where I was living with my good career as an orchestra musician, gigging weekly, and teaching a studio of 30 students. I moved home w my daddy for the first time in 10 years. All I knew was I needed space to heal and my self was more important than any job, friendship, or relationship. I needed love again. I'd been fooled by an impersonator for 3 years. So I got all my material things, my dog and cat and drove from Reno to Stl. I was a crying mess for 3 weeks. Then I decided to pick myself up and start a routine. Everyday I read Thought Filled Little Ponderings, all the way through; I started making lists daily, practicing for auditions, running everyday, and listening to podcasts like From the Heart by Yoga Girl, Sylvester McNutts podcast on Freeing Your Energy, and most of all Byron Katie on pain and confusion and love. Everyday I'd wake up in pain and say to myself, my heart has already let this go (received from Free my Energy Podcast). I started for the first time in my life, living in the present. Only addressing what I was doing right now. Not worrying about the future or the past. My favorite quote from Byron Katie right now is, "Pain is confusion. Question this confusion and then you will find the love behind it". Through this break up, a boy, who I knew was the end all be all, just ripped me up and threw me away like it never happened, I have come to the conclusion that this event happened because I strayed too far away from my self. My true self. Not the one with an identity or purpose. Just self. Because of all of the trauma and heart ache I was able to take a huge step forward into a growth place where I can focus on not needing violin or viola to be happy; not needing a career to be happy; not needing money to be happy; not needing a man to be happy; and not needing a purpose to be happy. In 2019, I will work only for me and be happy even in the hardest bits, because right now, is now, and we dont really have that either. You are enough. Find all the things you love to do, and do them, because we are human, but understand that they do not define you. Be happy and grateful and kind every f*ing day. 

Love,

Mc Kayla :) 
(Thanks for the cool name,Momma)